Not really sure if I should be saying any of this...

at all, let alone on the internet. First off I must say that I'm pretty mad at blogger right now for deleting my entire rant I just wrote, grrr... I guess I'll have to do it all over again, maybe THAT will help me feel better. First of all I have to apologize in advance for this post, and if you decide to skip it, that's even better.

I've decided in the last few days that I'm going to start posting more of the random things that happen to me throughout the day, whether funny or tragic so I can remember those moments someday, and maybe even help my small audience be a little bit more interested in what I have to post about (the exception would be today of course).

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I perceive myself vs. how others perceive me. When I think I'm acting perfectly normal and being myself (which could be scary at times) and am perfectly comfortable could I be making others nervous, or annoyed? Would it make a difference if I changed who I am. No. I won't change who I am in order to have people like me. They're going to have to deal with me and all my quirkiness and laziness. ;) Yes, I did just say laziness. Sometimes I feel like the laziest person in the world. Sometimes quite the opposite. The whole problem is I have no idea what to think of myself. I mean, I know I'm a daughter of God and that my family loves me (and I love them of course), and I love being a mother, but what else? What am I good at? What are my hobbies? This is where I'm kind of stuck. I know there are a lot of things I"m good at. But what am I great at? Nothing. I start doing a lot of the things that I enjoy doing and think I'm pretty good at, then I start to feel like I'm just a step or two below everyone else that's doing that same thing. You know there are people when you think of them, "Oh, she's the great organizer and multi-tasker, she's the great piano player, she's the scrapbooker, she's the singer..." and if any one else dares to try doing what the other person is did first and is known for they are thought of as a wannabe or a copycat. "Oh, she's pretty good at walking dog's, but she's not THE walking dog lady."

Maybe I'm being selfish, or childish about this... probably both actually, but I feel like I need my THING just like everybody else. But is it so wrong for more than one person to have the same THING even though somebody else discovered it later? Wow, I'm making less and less sense as I keep continuing, remember I am on a rant. Where was I, oh yea, so my problem is finding that thing. My problem is I get embarrassed easily I think, maybe I don't have the confidence to find one thing and claim it as my own. Could that be possible. It just seems like every time I find something I enjoy doing it happens to be every one's thing at the time. For example, I started going to a dance aerobic class called Zumba that a couple of women in our ward go to and they told me I would enjoy it and I really do, but I still don't think it's MY thing. A zillion other people go though and apparently all of them, okay maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit, a great deal of them have decided to become instructors themselves because what else can you do when you're good at something like that. It's not like you can go on tour performing Zumba in every city in the U.S. and nine different countries. My instructor from a different aerobic class I go to approached me and told me about the training saying I should try it. My question is, how can there be over 100 Zumba instructors in one small town? Nope not happening. Of course at the time I was approached I was flattered but at the same time embarrassed, mostly because I know a lot of people are doing it and I don't want to feel like I'm doing it just because everybody else is and it's cool, I'm doing it because I like it.

Maybe I have a complex about this because at one point in my short life (namely middle school and my early years of high school) I wanted to do everything "cool" so I could hang out with the cool people and be popular and I hated it! But now I think that maybe I'm trying to be too much on the opposite end and that's making me miserable too (okay not really miserable, I'm actually very happy, but I'm trying to make a point here) I just need to find a good middle ground. Maybe I will start my own photography business even though other people have done it first, who knows maybe I'll actually end up being really good at it. Maybe I'll end up being really horrible. You never know until you try right? To tell you the truth I think I lack the confidence and zing to do something like that. Oh well, I guess I'll just keep trying new things until I find my niche even if it does drive my husband crazy sometimes... and I'll keep finishing my school along the way, that way I'll have at least someTHING solid in my life in addition to my supportive family and friends. Or maybe I'm just meant to be a mother/wife and nothing else. It could be possible right?

Okay, the rant is officially over. I apologize and promise it won't happen again... for now... probably... at least not for a while. Oh, and sorry if it made no sense whatsoever. It made me feel better at least. :)